1 00:00:05,221 --> 00:00:07,380 [intro music] 2 00:00:07,460 --> 00:00:11,541 [Frank] Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express! 3 00:00:11,621 --> 00:00:16,581 Come and watch pikeys making a mess of the lives they were given 4 00:00:16,661 --> 00:00:19,061 by him upstairs. 5 00:00:19,140 --> 00:00:22,381 And kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs. 6 00:00:22,460 --> 00:00:28,861 What sounds on earth could ever replace kids needing money or wives in your face? 7 00:00:28,940 --> 00:00:31,901 Cos this, people reckon, and me included, 8 00:00:31,980 --> 00:00:36,260 is why pubs and drugs were kindly invented. 9 00:00:36,341 --> 00:00:40,940 To calm us all down and stop us going mental. 10 00:00:41,021 --> 00:00:45,220 These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials. 11 00:00:45,301 --> 00:00:49,381 We are worth every penny for grinding your axes. 12 00:00:49,461 --> 00:00:53,860 You shit on our heads, but you pay the taxes. 13 00:00:57,421 --> 00:01:00,741 Imagine a Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers 14 00:01:00,821 --> 00:01:03,421 who'd come on your face for the price of a beer. 15 00:01:03,501 --> 00:01:07,621 Make poverty history, cheaper drugs now! 16 00:01:07,700 --> 00:01:11,780 Make poverty history, cheaper drugs now! 17 00:01:11,861 --> 00:01:13,060 [laughing] [cough] 18 00:01:13,941 --> 00:01:15,341 Scatter! 19 00:01:15,420 --> 00:01:16,821 Party! 20 00:01:24,941 --> 00:01:27,060 [Monica] I wrote a poem. 21 00:01:27,140 --> 00:01:29,661 There was a young woman from Chatsworth 22 00:01:29,741 --> 00:01:34,700 Who had dreams, ambitions, and other stuff 23 00:01:34,780 --> 00:01:37,541 -But she lost her good cheer... -[Frank snoring] 24 00:01:37,621 --> 00:01:40,500 [Monica] and ended up here... [sighs] 25 00:01:45,301 --> 00:01:48,981 But I can't finish it. Can't think of the last line. 26 00:01:49,060 --> 00:01:53,821 Frank, she's gone over. We've got time. 27 00:01:53,901 --> 00:01:55,941 -[snoring] -Don't need any foreplay. 28 00:01:56,021 --> 00:02:00,060 I can get myself going. A quick in and out will do. 29 00:02:00,140 --> 00:02:01,741 Yeah, yeah... Go on. 30 00:02:03,500 --> 00:02:05,780 -Knock yourself out. -[cloth flapping] 31 00:02:06,661 --> 00:02:09,141 [snoring] 32 00:02:09,220 --> 00:02:13,100 Oh, Christ! [sighing] 33 00:02:13,181 --> 00:02:14,741 [Carl in distance] Ah! Come on! 34 00:02:14,820 --> 00:02:17,100 At least somebody's getting some. 35 00:02:17,181 --> 00:02:19,661 -[baby crying] -[Monica sighs deeply] 36 00:02:27,021 --> 00:02:28,501 [groaning] 37 00:02:28,581 --> 00:02:29,980 [panting] 38 00:02:31,221 --> 00:02:34,061 Agh! Come on! 39 00:02:35,100 --> 00:02:37,380 -[urine trickling] -[knocking at door] 40 00:02:37,461 --> 00:02:39,341 -[Debbie] Carl! -Fuck off! 41 00:02:39,421 --> 00:02:41,861 I'm touching cloth here! 42 00:02:41,941 --> 00:02:44,540 -I'm having a piss. -What, for 40 minutes? 43 00:02:44,621 --> 00:02:46,820 Really? 44 00:02:46,901 --> 00:02:49,501 -It's been 40 minutes? -Duh! 45 00:02:49,581 --> 00:02:51,260 Yeah, well I've got a big bladder. 46 00:02:52,781 --> 00:02:53,861 Carl! 47 00:02:56,581 --> 00:02:57,621 [man] That's your lot. 48 00:02:57,700 --> 00:02:59,700 You'll have to wait, I can't find the gin. 49 00:02:59,781 --> 00:03:01,301 Down there, on the left. 50 00:03:06,100 --> 00:03:07,901 Feel free to roll your tongue back in. 51 00:03:07,980 --> 00:03:11,461 Suppose there's no chance of a quickie? Go on, for old times' sake? 52 00:03:11,540 --> 00:03:13,700 -I'm a married woman. -Not even a hand job? 53 00:03:14,700 --> 00:03:17,540 [Mandy] Not unless you want to take your knob home in a jiffy bag. 54 00:03:17,621 --> 00:03:20,100 -The sister-in-law? -Shut up. 55 00:03:21,861 --> 00:03:23,301 [Karen] He's harmless. 56 00:03:26,100 --> 00:03:28,700 Listen, I wanted to ask... 57 00:03:28,781 --> 00:03:32,700 You don't mind if I have someone stay over Friday night? 58 00:03:32,781 --> 00:03:34,820 Course not, why would I? 59 00:03:34,901 --> 00:03:35,820 No. 60 00:03:37,581 --> 00:03:39,341 Right! 61 00:03:39,420 --> 00:03:41,301 "Stay over." 62 00:03:42,461 --> 00:03:45,221 Course. You live here an' all. 63 00:03:45,301 --> 00:03:48,140 It's the first time... You know. 64 00:03:48,221 --> 00:03:49,301 Fuck off! 65 00:03:49,380 --> 00:03:53,061 You haven't shagged him yet? What are you, a nun? 66 00:03:53,140 --> 00:03:55,461 Is it compulsory to use your knickers as ankle-warmers 67 00:03:55,540 --> 00:03:56,700 on your first date these days? 68 00:03:56,781 --> 00:03:59,941 All right, no need to get your chastity belt in a twist. 69 00:04:00,021 --> 00:04:02,181 Not another word from me. 70 00:04:02,260 --> 00:04:04,100 Any road, we'd better get our skates on. 71 00:04:06,581 --> 00:04:07,860 Carl! 72 00:04:07,941 --> 00:04:10,700 [Maxine] All right, sexy. Joined Randall and Hopkirk, have we? 73 00:04:10,781 --> 00:04:12,661 Fuck off, I'm late! 74 00:04:12,741 --> 00:04:13,581 [door slams] 75 00:04:13,661 --> 00:04:16,141 -Thought we were going in town! -I've got nothing to wear. 76 00:04:16,221 --> 00:04:18,500 You've got nothing to wear to go clothes shopping? 77 00:04:18,581 --> 00:04:21,781 Got no money, either. D'you wanna eat this toast or wear it? 78 00:04:21,860 --> 00:04:23,661 [Maxine] Battle of the sexes, gorgeous. 79 00:04:23,740 --> 00:04:25,581 By the time you're old enough to realise you're in a war 80 00:04:25,661 --> 00:04:26,941 you'll have already lost it. 81 00:04:27,021 --> 00:04:30,781 What is it with girls and touching? You don't always have to be touching! 82 00:04:30,861 --> 00:04:32,740 And you shouldn't be shop-lifting either! 83 00:04:32,821 --> 00:04:33,981 [Frank] All right, son? 84 00:04:34,060 --> 00:04:35,461 -No! -Good. 85 00:04:35,541 --> 00:04:36,901 [Maxine] All right, Mr G? 86 00:04:37,500 --> 00:04:39,021 Pleased to see me? 87 00:04:41,101 --> 00:04:43,661 -Careful what you wish for, cheeky. -[Monica] Oh, yeah? 88 00:04:43,740 --> 00:04:46,541 So now you're feeling frisky? 89 00:04:46,620 --> 00:04:49,620 [stammering] Well... it's just a laugh. 90 00:04:49,701 --> 00:04:50,781 Five minutes. 91 00:05:05,500 --> 00:05:08,021 Oi! Show some respect! 92 00:05:08,101 --> 00:05:10,781 I hate this. Gives me t'creeps. 93 00:05:10,861 --> 00:05:13,620 Don't worry, Scrappy Doo'll protect you. 94 00:05:15,301 --> 00:05:16,901 It's an annual pilgrimage. 95 00:05:16,981 --> 00:05:19,821 Mimi sits here all day, we get excused after an hour. 96 00:05:20,901 --> 00:05:22,901 I'm all dressed up so's I can stand out here 97 00:05:22,981 --> 00:05:24,740 freezing me knackers off for an hour? 98 00:05:24,821 --> 00:05:26,581 Apparently, blood's thicker than water. 99 00:05:26,661 --> 00:05:28,661 It's not thicker than fucking voddie, though, is it? 100 00:05:28,740 --> 00:05:30,060 [laughing] 101 00:05:32,141 --> 00:05:34,380 -What for? -[Kelly grunting] [coughing] 102 00:05:34,461 --> 00:05:35,461 [Joe] Fine, speak to you later. Ta-ra. 103 00:05:36,341 --> 00:05:37,261 State of him! 104 00:05:40,500 --> 00:05:42,421 Hey, saw that new girl of yours. 105 00:05:42,500 --> 00:05:45,581 Only went into a shop for a pint of milk, and there she is. 106 00:05:45,661 --> 00:05:48,180 I mean, for a hooker. All that fucking hair! 107 00:05:48,781 --> 00:05:51,380 Biggest turn-off going. About as sexy as a pig in a skirt. 108 00:05:52,021 --> 00:05:53,060 [Mimi] What the fuck? 109 00:05:55,341 --> 00:05:57,021 It's all right, Mum, we'll fix it. 110 00:05:59,500 --> 00:06:01,861 -Look at how upset it's making him! -[Jamie coughing] 111 00:06:01,940 --> 00:06:03,541 He's not grieving, he's hung over. 112 00:06:03,620 --> 00:06:04,781 [Jamie vomiting] 113 00:06:05,861 --> 00:06:06,740 Clear it up, now. 114 00:06:08,861 --> 00:06:09,701 Now. 115 00:06:10,821 --> 00:06:11,781 [yelling] Now! 116 00:06:23,661 --> 00:06:24,541 Fuck! 117 00:06:25,541 --> 00:06:26,500 Sorry! 118 00:06:27,661 --> 00:06:28,541 [gasps] 119 00:06:30,180 --> 00:06:34,060 I was bringing you a cuppa, see if I could work in some small-talk... 120 00:06:35,500 --> 00:06:36,861 Think we've gone beyond that. 121 00:06:39,021 --> 00:06:40,141 [moaning] 122 00:06:43,461 --> 00:06:44,981 Fuck! Shit! Stop! 123 00:06:45,060 --> 00:06:46,101 [girl] What? 124 00:06:47,421 --> 00:06:49,541 I didn't know. I'm sorry! 125 00:06:49,620 --> 00:06:51,781 What, him? He's not my bloke, he's my brother. 126 00:06:52,341 --> 00:06:55,101 We share the house. Hurry up, before I lose me erection. 127 00:06:55,180 --> 00:06:58,701 Well... But isn't it weird him being there? 128 00:06:59,261 --> 00:07:01,500 Since when was watching against the law? 129 00:07:02,781 --> 00:07:04,380 [upbeat music] 130 00:07:10,461 --> 00:07:11,740 [Kelly] It's a fucking joke. 131 00:07:11,820 --> 00:07:13,500 Not family enough to visit the grave, 132 00:07:13,581 --> 00:07:16,101 but it's all hands to the pump to scrub the bastard! 133 00:07:16,180 --> 00:07:18,221 It's cos you're girls, you do a better job. 134 00:07:18,301 --> 00:07:19,141 [punch] 135 00:07:19,221 --> 00:07:21,581 -Don't, Karen, I'll throw up again. -We're leaving. 136 00:07:21,661 --> 00:07:23,221 -Lightweight. -Fuck off, Micky! 137 00:07:27,981 --> 00:07:29,380 You sure you'll be all right? 138 00:07:32,301 --> 00:07:34,380 This can never happen again. 139 00:07:35,301 --> 00:07:37,021 [Paddy] It won't, angel. 140 00:07:38,221 --> 00:07:39,101 I promise. 141 00:07:46,260 --> 00:07:47,341 Here you go. 142 00:07:50,500 --> 00:07:52,221 -It's only 20. -I know. 143 00:07:52,301 --> 00:07:55,661 Weather we're having, expect I'll need done again before the week's out. 144 00:07:55,740 --> 00:07:56,701 [Carl] No problem. 145 00:08:01,661 --> 00:08:03,981 I said to your dad, "No way that's a turkey," 146 00:08:04,740 --> 00:08:06,620 but Bernie the butcher swore by it. 147 00:08:07,581 --> 00:08:10,740 Suppose they do look similar, though... Plucked. 148 00:08:11,500 --> 00:08:12,820 A turkey, and a swan. 149 00:08:14,380 --> 00:08:16,421 So, not the best Christmas. 150 00:08:28,301 --> 00:08:29,180 Poor cow. 151 00:08:30,940 --> 00:08:33,700 [Mimi] Why's it always the mothers that bear the burden? 152 00:08:38,340 --> 00:08:39,861 C'mon, having a bite here. 153 00:08:39,940 --> 00:08:42,180 [kiss] You can have a bite of me. [chuckles] 154 00:08:42,261 --> 00:08:43,340 [splash] 155 00:08:45,141 --> 00:08:46,421 I've got sauce on me now. 156 00:08:47,340 --> 00:08:48,301 [foot tapping] 157 00:08:49,460 --> 00:08:50,501 What? 158 00:08:51,741 --> 00:08:52,901 What? 159 00:08:53,741 --> 00:08:57,901 I want... [sighs] I need a bit of intimacy. 160 00:08:58,901 --> 00:09:01,021 I'm not just a fucking baby machine. 161 00:09:01,581 --> 00:09:03,381 Yeah, but, you know, the timing's wrong. 162 00:09:03,460 --> 00:09:05,781 Yeah... The timing's always wrong. 163 00:09:05,861 --> 00:09:06,901 No... [stuttering] 164 00:09:07,581 --> 00:09:12,421 No, I mean, you're still, you know, carrying a bit of baby fat, aren't you? 165 00:09:12,501 --> 00:09:14,181 So I would have thought you... 166 00:09:14,261 --> 00:09:18,621 You wouldn't want to flaunt it. 167 00:09:18,701 --> 00:09:23,061 I'm still a woman, I still need love. Seven kids I've given you! 168 00:09:23,741 --> 00:09:25,100 When have I ever cast it up? 169 00:09:26,741 --> 00:09:27,661 Ever! 170 00:09:29,061 --> 00:09:33,661 -[Monica shouting] You bastard! -[smashing] [clanging] 171 00:09:33,741 --> 00:09:36,581 Hey, nobody's saying you've got to be Liz Hurley. 172 00:09:36,661 --> 00:09:38,340 Fuck you, you fucker! 173 00:09:38,421 --> 00:09:40,621 But you're not eating for two anymore, are you? 174 00:09:40,701 --> 00:09:44,021 I'll fucking show you fucking love handles! 175 00:09:44,100 --> 00:09:48,661 -Would you rather I lied to you? -Piss off! You twat! 176 00:09:48,741 --> 00:09:50,860 [Frank] Oh, here we go, another pair. 177 00:09:51,501 --> 00:09:52,661 Female of the species. 178 00:09:52,741 --> 00:09:55,901 Victims of biology and the unbearable lightness of shopping. 179 00:09:56,460 --> 00:10:00,181 Oh, and whose fault is it? Societal pressure created by men! 180 00:10:02,340 --> 00:10:03,220 [door opens] 181 00:10:05,581 --> 00:10:06,901 -[door slams] -[exhales] 182 00:10:10,301 --> 00:10:11,741 Oh, come on, then! 183 00:10:13,340 --> 00:10:15,741 What's the view from the leaf-blowing brigade? 184 00:10:15,821 --> 00:10:17,901 You really are a useless prick, aren't you? 185 00:10:17,980 --> 00:10:18,860 I'm not. 186 00:10:19,381 --> 00:10:21,541 Just think what that woman's given up for you. 187 00:10:21,621 --> 00:10:24,821 What, you? Giant fucking Yoda in a shell suit? 188 00:10:24,901 --> 00:10:27,421 That's right, revert to your default position. 189 00:10:27,980 --> 00:10:29,061 Abusive. 190 00:10:31,021 --> 00:10:33,501 Don't examine your own behaviour, whatever you do, 191 00:10:33,581 --> 00:10:35,741 because you're a great catch, aren't you, Frank? 192 00:10:35,821 --> 00:10:38,421 Husband, helper, lover... 193 00:10:39,061 --> 00:10:39,980 [sighs] 194 00:10:40,061 --> 00:10:41,421 You're going to lose her. 195 00:10:42,381 --> 00:10:43,621 No, I'm not. 196 00:10:43,701 --> 00:10:45,701 [laughs loudly] 197 00:10:47,941 --> 00:10:48,741 [car door slams] 198 00:10:48,821 --> 00:10:54,340 Ey, don't fucking laugh at me, cos it's the lowest form of wit. 199 00:10:59,821 --> 00:11:01,740 D'you mind? The ladies' loos are flooded. 200 00:11:01,821 --> 00:11:03,541 -No. -[door shuts] 201 00:11:13,661 --> 00:11:16,821 Sorry. I don't really need to go, it's just... 202 00:11:16,901 --> 00:11:18,261 What? 203 00:11:18,340 --> 00:11:22,181 When was the last time you did a bit of gardening? 204 00:11:27,220 --> 00:11:30,781 I know it's none of my business, but, it's your big date on Friday, 205 00:11:30,860 --> 00:11:33,860 and I know it's been a long time, and Joe said... 206 00:11:33,941 --> 00:11:36,740 -Joe said what? -About as sexy as a pig in a skirt. 207 00:11:36,821 --> 00:11:39,381 That he doesn't like hairy women. 208 00:11:39,460 --> 00:11:42,340 They're totally disgusting and it makes him wanna puke. 209 00:11:43,941 --> 00:11:46,661 [Mandy] A fucking Barbie doll, Smooth bump at the front? 210 00:11:46,740 --> 00:11:48,261 It's natural. 211 00:11:48,340 --> 00:11:51,421 What kind of person thinks body hair is disgusting, 212 00:11:51,501 --> 00:11:53,061 a massive turn-off? 213 00:11:53,141 --> 00:11:54,901 [Karen] The hoops we fucking jump through! 214 00:11:54,980 --> 00:11:56,301 [water dripping] 215 00:11:56,381 --> 00:11:58,261 I just thought you'd wanna know! 216 00:12:05,100 --> 00:12:07,220 -You all right, mate? -Yeah, grand. 217 00:12:10,781 --> 00:12:12,421 What? 218 00:12:12,501 --> 00:12:15,781 Well, this is really fucking weird, because she's me sister, but... 219 00:12:15,860 --> 00:12:17,701 Well, I know it's your big night Friday. 220 00:12:18,860 --> 00:12:22,220 -She doesn't like hairy men. -What? 221 00:12:22,301 --> 00:12:23,980 She doesn't like men with hair. 222 00:12:24,061 --> 00:12:26,541 -What, you mean-- -Jesus, no! 223 00:12:26,621 --> 00:12:28,980 It'd look like a one-eyed turkey, plucked and ready for the oven! 224 00:12:29,061 --> 00:12:29,901 Your chest. 225 00:12:31,501 --> 00:12:35,421 Well, I've seen you after games, you're not exactly lacking, are ya? 226 00:12:35,501 --> 00:12:38,100 -She really hates it? -[laughs] Disgusts her. 227 00:12:38,181 --> 00:12:40,620 Doesn't think she could be with a hairy guy. 228 00:12:43,141 --> 00:12:44,541 Sorry, mate. 229 00:12:45,581 --> 00:12:46,860 [groaning] 230 00:12:48,821 --> 00:12:50,261 How was that? 231 00:12:50,340 --> 00:12:51,901 Stanley Waterman, 232 00:12:51,980 --> 00:12:56,501 if muff-diving were an Olympic sport, you'd be a national fucking hero. 233 00:12:56,581 --> 00:12:59,261 -Do you hang weights off your tongue? -Your turn. 234 00:12:59,340 --> 00:13:04,901 [sighs] I'm knackered, Stan. There's no way I could work up the energy. 235 00:13:04,980 --> 00:13:07,141 [grunts] If you don't mind me saying, 236 00:13:07,220 --> 00:13:09,541 but you're always too knackered when it's my turn, these days. 237 00:13:09,620 --> 00:13:13,061 Am I? It's your own fault. 238 00:13:13,141 --> 00:13:16,021 -You're too bloomin' good. -Yvonne... 239 00:13:18,501 --> 00:13:21,181 -Yvonne? -It's the wart, Stan. 240 00:13:21,261 --> 00:13:22,261 [sighs] 241 00:13:22,340 --> 00:13:23,501 The wart. 242 00:13:23,581 --> 00:13:26,901 -I thought you hadn't noticed. -Noticed? 243 00:13:26,980 --> 00:13:29,141 It's almost had me eye out five times. 244 00:13:29,220 --> 00:13:31,421 It's like your bell-end's grown another head. 245 00:13:33,460 --> 00:13:35,901 It's only a wart, love. 246 00:13:35,980 --> 00:13:39,381 They can easily be removed. Like a verruca. Tssst! 247 00:13:47,421 --> 00:13:49,581 -It's rubbish, innit? -No, it's just... 248 00:13:50,501 --> 00:13:53,740 This bit about: "Running his tongue round her burning Volvo" 249 00:13:53,821 --> 00:13:55,460 [Ady] It's a typing error, right? 250 00:13:55,541 --> 00:13:58,701 Well, I used spell-check. I'm no good with the Latin words. 251 00:13:58,781 --> 00:14:00,901 And same when she gives him "a blow-dry". 252 00:14:00,980 --> 00:14:02,061 Oh, no, I meant that. 253 00:14:03,061 --> 00:14:04,860 -She's an hairdresser. -Oh! 254 00:14:04,941 --> 00:14:06,061 Oh, yous hate it. 255 00:14:06,141 --> 00:14:08,141 -No, we don't, it's just-- -[Zeta] It's a bit gay, Micky. 256 00:14:08,220 --> 00:14:09,860 How is this gay? 257 00:14:11,261 --> 00:14:13,181 "He bent her over the cement mixer, 258 00:14:13,261 --> 00:14:16,460 spread her arse cheeks wide, and slid the length of his girder inside. 259 00:14:16,541 --> 00:14:18,421 The only sound interrupting her moans 260 00:14:18,500 --> 00:14:21,021 was the rattle of her hard hat inside the empty mixer, 261 00:14:21,100 --> 00:14:23,661 as it went round, and round, and round, and round." 262 00:14:23,740 --> 00:14:24,941 -It's a building site. -So? 263 00:14:25,781 --> 00:14:27,141 You get women builders. 264 00:14:27,220 --> 00:14:28,500 [Zeta] Straight or not, 265 00:14:28,581 --> 00:14:31,261 I'm as wet as a fisherman's sou'wester just listening to it, 266 00:14:31,340 --> 00:14:33,620 upstairs, the pair of ya. 267 00:14:33,701 --> 00:14:34,581 -[Ady] Oh! 268 00:14:34,661 --> 00:14:35,541 Ahh! 269 00:14:36,701 --> 00:14:39,340 Sorry about that. [panting] 270 00:14:39,421 --> 00:14:41,181 It's all right, happens. 271 00:14:41,860 --> 00:14:42,980 It's just bad timing, 272 00:14:44,421 --> 00:14:46,581 you two coming first. Again! 273 00:14:48,740 --> 00:14:50,100 She's not stupid, you know. 274 00:14:50,181 --> 00:14:52,500 She must be if she thinks you're still in the closet. 275 00:14:52,581 --> 00:14:54,301 -Shut up! -[water running] 276 00:14:54,381 --> 00:14:56,220 That's how you're into swinging, innit? 277 00:14:56,980 --> 00:14:59,021 You're a poof trapped in a straight marriage. 278 00:14:59,100 --> 00:15:01,181 Hey, I'm not a poof. 279 00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:02,740 Yeah? 280 00:15:03,381 --> 00:15:06,141 So how come you've got a stiffie as soon as she left the room? 281 00:15:09,701 --> 00:15:10,661 I love her. 282 00:15:12,821 --> 00:15:15,301 When was the last time you had straight sex with her? 283 00:15:17,100 --> 00:15:17,941 Micky... 284 00:15:19,421 --> 00:15:20,620 I think I love you, too. 285 00:15:21,460 --> 00:15:22,781 [mellow music] 286 00:15:27,941 --> 00:15:29,100 Well, tomorrow... 287 00:15:30,421 --> 00:15:31,381 we have this out. 288 00:15:32,460 --> 00:15:33,340 The three of us. 289 00:15:40,021 --> 00:15:40,941 What are you doing? 290 00:15:42,821 --> 00:15:45,460 I am helping. 291 00:15:46,740 --> 00:15:50,181 Oh, god... Oh! Fuck's sake! 292 00:15:50,261 --> 00:15:52,021 Looking foxy, Mrs G. 293 00:15:52,100 --> 00:15:53,541 Thank you, Maxine. 294 00:15:58,661 --> 00:15:59,980 [Stella cries] 295 00:16:02,821 --> 00:16:05,701 -What's up with your mum? -[sighs] General or specific? 296 00:16:05,781 --> 00:16:08,261 General, she wasn't born into the Royal Family. 297 00:16:08,340 --> 00:16:10,380 Specific, she's 43 going on 14. 298 00:16:13,220 --> 00:16:15,340 -I'm pissing. -What, all day, every day? 299 00:16:16,021 --> 00:16:17,901 -[grunts] -Debs, wait. 300 00:16:21,941 --> 00:16:23,380 I'll just unload, shall I? 301 00:16:25,701 --> 00:16:26,781 I can't piss. 302 00:16:26,860 --> 00:16:29,661 -You're getting plenty of practice. -No, I mean... 303 00:16:30,301 --> 00:16:32,220 I can't... piss. 304 00:16:32,941 --> 00:16:35,061 A little bit comes out, but it hurts like fuck. 305 00:16:35,141 --> 00:16:36,620 And it itches all the time. 306 00:16:36,701 --> 00:16:39,100 -You use a condom, don't ya? -Of course I do. 307 00:16:40,661 --> 00:16:41,541 Usually. 308 00:16:42,701 --> 00:16:44,421 -You've got an STD. -Have I fuck! 309 00:16:44,500 --> 00:16:45,500 Fine, you haven't. 310 00:16:46,860 --> 00:16:48,620 -What should I do? -Clinic. 311 00:16:50,860 --> 00:16:51,740 No way! 312 00:16:57,941 --> 00:16:58,781 [Liam] Stay back! 313 00:16:58,860 --> 00:17:01,340 -[Debbie] No! -[smashing] 314 00:17:04,100 --> 00:17:06,940 -[Stella cries] -[Debbie] I'm OK, everything's fine! 315 00:17:07,741 --> 00:17:09,221 [water running] 316 00:17:09,301 --> 00:17:10,461 Oh, fuck! 317 00:17:16,420 --> 00:17:19,061 -[Stella crying] -[Frank] Shut up, Stella! 318 00:17:19,981 --> 00:17:21,340 [Lillian] All right, love? 319 00:17:22,140 --> 00:17:23,620 Yeah, thanks, Lillian. 320 00:17:23,701 --> 00:17:26,221 If you don't mind me saying, you're looking a bit mental. 321 00:17:27,501 --> 00:17:28,541 Am I? 322 00:17:29,101 --> 00:17:32,180 Sure you haven't got some of that post-natal depression? 323 00:17:32,261 --> 00:17:33,741 She could be right, you know, Monica. 324 00:17:33,821 --> 00:17:35,541 You don't seem quite yourself. 325 00:17:35,621 --> 00:17:37,741 And what is "meself", then, Yvonne? 326 00:17:37,821 --> 00:17:39,501 Dressing like a sofa 327 00:17:39,581 --> 00:17:42,581 and munching down HRT, cos I'm past me sell-by date? 328 00:17:42,660 --> 00:17:43,940 Don't be soft! 329 00:17:44,021 --> 00:17:45,461 With bosoms like these 330 00:17:45,541 --> 00:17:48,021 you've got 20 years of good handling of you yet. 331 00:17:48,101 --> 00:17:51,741 I'm not mental just because I want to be treated like a woman. 332 00:17:53,900 --> 00:17:56,180 You can probably take your hands off now, Lillian. 333 00:18:04,341 --> 00:18:05,940 [Lillian] They were persecuted 334 00:18:06,021 --> 00:18:08,061 in ancient times, hypnotists. 335 00:18:08,141 --> 00:18:10,381 Folk used to think it were black magic. 336 00:18:12,381 --> 00:18:14,741 [Monica] It's probably just a tacky sex show. 337 00:18:14,821 --> 00:18:16,461 Pub hypnotists are all the same. 338 00:18:16,541 --> 00:18:18,420 -[Shane] So you're not going? -[Monica] Oh, yeah. 339 00:18:18,501 --> 00:18:21,301 I'm gonna get there early, get a seat down the front. 340 00:18:21,381 --> 00:18:23,701 [Norma] It's a science of the future, mind-control. 341 00:18:23,781 --> 00:18:26,781 Some people even see it as an art. Who's to say? 342 00:18:26,861 --> 00:18:28,180 The paying fucking public. 343 00:18:29,180 --> 00:18:31,581 [Kelly] Seven quid a ticket, he'd better be an artist. 344 00:18:31,660 --> 00:18:33,101 [Lillian] They used to think Houdini 345 00:18:33,180 --> 00:18:35,660 hypnotized himself, so he could hold his breath. 346 00:18:35,741 --> 00:18:37,180 Till he drowned, of course. 347 00:18:37,261 --> 00:18:39,180 Then the theory lost some of its credibility. 348 00:18:39,261 --> 00:18:41,061 Our mam was hypnotized once. 349 00:18:41,141 --> 00:18:43,341 Wonder if that's why she thinks she's a Scouser. 350 00:18:43,861 --> 00:18:44,821 [text message tone] 351 00:18:44,900 --> 00:18:46,341 She is a fucking Scouser! 352 00:18:46,420 --> 00:18:48,741 [Norma] Course, all art is subjective. 353 00:18:48,821 --> 00:18:51,221 You know that tennis poster, of the... 354 00:18:51,981 --> 00:18:56,581 of the lass lifting her skirt to scratch a single, perfect... 355 00:18:57,781 --> 00:18:59,021 round buttock. 356 00:18:59,541 --> 00:19:00,541 We have to go. 357 00:19:00,621 --> 00:19:02,180 -I've still got half me- -[Kelly] Now! 358 00:19:02,261 --> 00:19:03,821 Classic image, that is. [puffs] 359 00:19:05,420 --> 00:19:07,940 [Karen] I used me dad's razor the first time I did it. 360 00:19:08,021 --> 00:19:09,541 Used his aftershave an' all. 361 00:19:09,621 --> 00:19:11,741 That was a once-only experiment. 362 00:19:13,461 --> 00:19:15,660 -You sure you've done this before? -Yeah. 363 00:19:15,741 --> 00:19:19,541 One summer, I did me mate's like the faces of the Take That boys. 364 00:19:19,621 --> 00:19:21,741 Except Gary Barlow, of course. 365 00:19:21,821 --> 00:19:25,660 -She must've been a hairy girl. -Not really. Mark Owen's only little. 366 00:19:25,741 --> 00:19:27,101 Maybe I should go to a salon. 367 00:19:27,180 --> 00:19:30,700 And drop 40 quid to let some spotty teenager stare up your muff? 368 00:19:30,781 --> 00:19:32,821 Come on, get 'em off! 369 00:19:35,381 --> 00:19:37,700 Are you sure this is the best way to do it? 370 00:19:37,781 --> 00:19:38,660 How should I know? 371 00:19:39,221 --> 00:19:41,221 Not my missus who's got a fetish for baldy. 372 00:19:41,301 --> 00:19:42,461 Not natural though, is it? 373 00:19:42,541 --> 00:19:44,581 Yeah, blame Brad Pitt, and Leonardo DiCaprio. 374 00:19:44,660 --> 00:19:46,461 We live in the era of the girly man. 375 00:19:46,541 --> 00:19:48,781 Yeah, well, I'd fucking hate to look like that. 376 00:19:52,660 --> 00:19:54,700 -Can you do it? -Fuck right off! 377 00:19:54,781 --> 00:19:57,101 I can't get the angles right, looking in the mirror. 378 00:19:58,420 --> 00:19:59,301 [whispers] Please. 379 00:20:05,141 --> 00:20:06,700 Nobody gets to hear about this. 380 00:20:10,141 --> 00:20:12,781 [Debbie] That's half my wardrobe, Liam! These aren't stolen. 381 00:20:14,420 --> 00:20:16,781 I don't want them in the house, it's bad karma. 382 00:20:21,781 --> 00:20:22,861 [Stella crying] 383 00:20:22,940 --> 00:20:24,581 -[door opens] -[Frank] Who the fuck? 384 00:20:26,021 --> 00:20:26,940 [door slams] 385 00:20:27,781 --> 00:20:30,180 -What you doing? -Well, assisting. 386 00:20:31,381 --> 00:20:32,781 Being less than useless. 387 00:20:32,861 --> 00:20:35,861 More importantly, what the fuck is this garment doing in my house? 388 00:20:35,940 --> 00:20:37,381 Didn't we bring them up right? 389 00:20:38,621 --> 00:20:39,660 I don't care. 390 00:20:46,101 --> 00:20:48,821 [Mandy in distance] Oh! Holy God in Heaven! 391 00:20:50,341 --> 00:20:51,660 Everything all right? 392 00:20:51,741 --> 00:20:53,700 Yeah. You? 393 00:20:53,781 --> 00:20:54,660 Fine. 394 00:20:56,541 --> 00:20:58,101 -What you up to? -Nothing. 395 00:20:59,581 --> 00:21:00,900 You? 396 00:21:00,981 --> 00:21:01,821 Not much. 397 00:21:01,900 --> 00:21:02,821 Argh! 398 00:21:02,900 --> 00:21:06,741 -You said you'd done this before! -I have. It's been a while, that's all. 399 00:21:06,821 --> 00:21:08,581 [gasps] I thought you were an expert. 400 00:21:08,660 --> 00:21:10,541 Did your mate's with the Take That boys. 401 00:21:10,621 --> 00:21:12,501 I never said it was a good likeness. 402 00:21:13,180 --> 00:21:15,741 Feels like you used sticky sandpaper! 403 00:21:15,821 --> 00:21:18,420 -I think I'm bleeding! -Don't be so soft. 404 00:21:18,501 --> 00:21:21,180 Women have suffered for beauty since the dawn of time and... 405 00:21:21,261 --> 00:21:23,021 we've only just started. 406 00:21:23,101 --> 00:21:24,660 -Get back! -Ugh! 407 00:21:24,741 --> 00:21:25,821 [screaming] 408 00:21:25,900 --> 00:21:27,180 [Joe] Christ almighty! 409 00:21:27,261 --> 00:21:29,021 Jamie, summat wrong? 410 00:21:29,621 --> 00:21:31,940 No. Sound as a pound. 411 00:21:32,021 --> 00:21:32,900 Okay. 412 00:21:34,781 --> 00:21:38,141 -Me nipple! I think you've cut it off! -You shouldn't twitch so much. 413 00:21:38,221 --> 00:21:41,461 No wonder, with the barber of fucking Seville shaving me chest. 414 00:21:41,541 --> 00:21:42,781 Oh, don't be such a baby! 415 00:21:42,861 --> 00:21:44,981 It's only a nipple, you've got another one. 416 00:21:45,061 --> 00:21:46,061 [Joe grunting] 417 00:21:46,940 --> 00:21:49,460 [Kelly] Your brother fancies me. He wants to fucking do me. 418 00:21:49,541 --> 00:21:52,501 And not straight on and off either, he wants to spank me! 419 00:21:53,341 --> 00:21:55,541 You can't hurt him, Shane. He's your brother. 420 00:21:55,621 --> 00:21:56,900 I'm not gonna hurt him. 421 00:21:58,141 --> 00:21:59,180 I feel sorry for him. 422 00:22:00,621 --> 00:22:04,261 -I'm not sure how to take that. No, I mean, I don't blame him. 423 00:22:04,981 --> 00:22:06,381 How could he not fancy you? 424 00:22:06,460 --> 00:22:08,261 Karen's a nice girl and all, but... 425 00:22:09,301 --> 00:22:10,781 she'll never be a "you." 426 00:22:10,861 --> 00:22:11,940 You taking the piss? 427 00:22:12,021 --> 00:22:13,301 No. 428 00:22:13,381 --> 00:22:14,460 You could be a model. 429 00:22:14,981 --> 00:22:18,420 In fact, you make half the models in magazines look like dogs. 430 00:22:18,501 --> 00:22:19,781 I do own a mirror, Shane. 431 00:22:19,861 --> 00:22:24,061 And, while it tells me that, yes, I am a fucking knock-out, 432 00:22:24,141 --> 00:22:27,861 I don't think Kate Moss should be quivering in her Jimmy Choos. 433 00:22:27,940 --> 00:22:31,301 -You're gonna have to put him off. -How? 434 00:22:34,180 --> 00:22:37,021 I'm completely bald! You said Brazilian! 435 00:22:37,101 --> 00:22:41,660 There must be bald Brazilians. Who's the one that bends the free kicks? 436 00:22:41,741 --> 00:22:45,541 Bald is all the rage. Brazilian's so '90s. 437 00:22:45,621 --> 00:22:47,981 I am not interested in fanny fashion! 438 00:22:48,061 --> 00:22:50,700 And it's not supposed to hurt this much either. 439 00:22:50,781 --> 00:22:53,741 I suppose I should've used alcohol-free wipes. 440 00:22:53,821 --> 00:22:56,221 Tea tree's the best, I think. 441 00:22:56,301 --> 00:23:00,460 On the plus side, you could stuff a cushion with these. 442 00:23:02,221 --> 00:23:03,861 [video camera beeping] 443 00:23:04,900 --> 00:23:07,621 [Paddy] Has she given you the old heave-ho, then? Permanent? 444 00:23:07,700 --> 00:23:11,021 -Or is it just a lovers' tiff? -What? 445 00:23:11,101 --> 00:23:12,420 Your girlfriend. 446 00:23:13,700 --> 00:23:16,341 Well, you've been spending so much time there of late, 447 00:23:16,420 --> 00:23:19,341 I expected this to be a solo mission. 448 00:23:19,420 --> 00:23:20,381 Yeah. 449 00:23:20,460 --> 00:23:23,541 Take her to see the Hypnotist at The Jockey tomorrow night. 450 00:23:23,621 --> 00:23:24,900 Laughter's a rare remedy. 451 00:23:24,981 --> 00:23:27,621 -Yeah, maybe. -Don't be a doormat. 452 00:23:27,700 --> 00:23:30,781 I'll talk her round. [chuckles] 453 00:23:30,861 --> 00:23:33,261 Never underestimate the wisdom of the old fella, son, 454 00:23:33,341 --> 00:23:35,420 when it comes to the ladies. 455 00:23:35,501 --> 00:23:38,301 I cast my net far and wide before I met your mother. 456 00:23:39,381 --> 00:23:40,501 Excellent. 457 00:23:40,581 --> 00:23:41,420 Shh! 458 00:23:43,581 --> 00:23:45,021 [suspenseful music] 459 00:23:48,101 --> 00:23:49,221 [Micky] What's she doing? 460 00:23:51,501 --> 00:23:53,301 I couldn't say, Michael. 461 00:23:58,821 --> 00:24:01,581 -I'll grab her. -Just wait. 462 00:24:22,141 --> 00:24:26,341 I'm fucking gorgeous! I'm in me prime, you bastard! 463 00:24:26,420 --> 00:24:27,420 [Liam clears throat] 464 00:24:29,821 --> 00:24:32,781 Corrie's on. Thought you might want to know. 465 00:24:32,861 --> 00:24:34,261 Be down in a minute. 466 00:24:45,301 --> 00:24:46,660 Hiya. 467 00:24:46,741 --> 00:24:48,261 Hi. It really burns when I piss, 468 00:24:48,341 --> 00:24:51,660 and most of the time I can't piss, so I've got this really throbbing pain. 469 00:24:51,741 --> 00:24:54,861 And I'm itching so much that I'm scratching myself raw. 470 00:24:54,940 --> 00:24:58,541 I do this two days a week until they can get me full-time at McDonald's, so... 471 00:24:58,621 --> 00:25:01,460 you probably wanna wait for a doctor to examine you. 472 00:25:01,541 --> 00:25:04,940 -Just your name, for now. -Carl Gallagher. 473 00:25:18,261 --> 00:25:19,660 [Carl] You all right, Stan? 474 00:25:20,621 --> 00:25:23,621 -[Stan] All right, Carl. -What you in for? 475 00:25:23,700 --> 00:25:24,741 Nothing, you know. 476 00:25:24,821 --> 00:25:27,420 You've got genital herpes or something. 477 00:25:27,501 --> 00:25:30,180 Hey, it gives you an itchy arse, that. Read about it. 478 00:25:30,261 --> 00:25:35,981 No, I mean, nothing like that, it's just a small personal... 479 00:25:36,061 --> 00:25:37,700 I haven't got an infection, 480 00:25:37,781 --> 00:25:40,660 I've just got a small nubbin on the end of me... 481 00:25:40,741 --> 00:25:44,981 A bit of diplomacy, eh, about us seeing each other here? 482 00:25:45,061 --> 00:25:48,301 I've only got chlamydia. It's like the Stockport County of VDs. 483 00:25:48,381 --> 00:25:50,821 Chlamydia's very infectious, Carl. 484 00:25:50,900 --> 00:25:52,821 -It can lead to infertility... -[tense music] 485 00:25:52,900 --> 00:25:55,141 premature birth, whole load of nasty things. 486 00:25:55,220 --> 00:25:58,061 You've got to tell them, Carl, any girls you've been with. 487 00:25:58,141 --> 00:25:59,061 It's important. 488 00:26:00,180 --> 00:26:01,940 -You all right, Tina? -[Carl groans] 489 00:26:02,021 --> 00:26:04,061 [smacking] 490 00:26:10,101 --> 00:26:13,261 -Not today, Micky. -We're supposed to have a chat. 491 00:26:13,341 --> 00:26:15,821 Me and Ady had the chat. We didn't need you present. 492 00:26:15,900 --> 00:26:17,940 It's okay, I'll handle it. 493 00:26:19,021 --> 00:26:19,900 Honest. 494 00:26:21,460 --> 00:26:22,541 Faggot. 495 00:26:23,180 --> 00:26:24,940 Which one of us are you talking to? 496 00:26:26,900 --> 00:26:29,700 She gave me an ultimatum, made me choose. 497 00:26:29,781 --> 00:26:30,861 What, and you chose her? 498 00:26:31,861 --> 00:26:33,940 -[sighs] -You're even gayer than I am! 499 00:26:34,940 --> 00:26:38,180 Look, we can still see each other. Just not when she knows. 500 00:26:43,061 --> 00:26:44,101 No, mate. 501 00:26:44,741 --> 00:26:47,261 -I don't think so. -Why? 502 00:26:47,861 --> 00:26:49,700 Cos I prefer a bit more spine. 503 00:26:51,021 --> 00:26:52,621 You're too pussy-whipped. 504 00:26:52,700 --> 00:26:54,341 -Micky -No, mate. 505 00:26:54,420 --> 00:26:56,021 I deserve better. 506 00:26:57,861 --> 00:26:59,621 I deserve fucking better. 507 00:27:11,261 --> 00:27:14,501 -What you doing? -Going to see the hypnotist at The Jockey. 508 00:27:14,581 --> 00:27:16,621 Not in that top, you know that's mine. 509 00:27:16,700 --> 00:27:17,541 Stolen. 510 00:27:17,621 --> 00:27:18,781 It's mine! 511 00:27:18,861 --> 00:27:20,141 It's only a top, Debs. 512 00:27:20,220 --> 00:27:23,501 -What about Stella? -Well, Liam can look after-- 513 00:27:23,581 --> 00:27:27,021 Don't even think about it! You can't leave a baby with a nine-year-old boy. 514 00:27:27,101 --> 00:27:29,501 Fine! I'll stay in, again! 515 00:27:29,581 --> 00:27:32,180 Like the Prisoner of fuckin' Zenda! 516 00:27:33,021 --> 00:27:35,261 What you doing? Don't! 517 00:27:35,341 --> 00:27:36,420 [Stella cries] 518 00:27:40,061 --> 00:27:41,101 Debbie! 519 00:27:55,180 --> 00:27:57,021 Thanks' a fuckin' bunch, Stan! 520 00:27:59,101 --> 00:28:00,981 [balalaika playing] 521 00:28:05,141 --> 00:28:06,220 [knock on door] 522 00:28:09,581 --> 00:28:10,581 [sighs] 523 00:28:13,460 --> 00:28:16,101 Good evening, madam. Do you believe in the living Christ? 524 00:28:16,180 --> 00:28:18,741 After this week, absolutely not. 525 00:28:21,141 --> 00:28:24,460 Wait... My soul might be lost, 526 00:28:24,541 --> 00:28:27,220 but me son's is definitely up for grabs. 527 00:28:36,741 --> 00:28:37,660 Ten. 528 00:28:37,741 --> 00:28:39,341 Do I look like immigrant labour? 529 00:28:39,900 --> 00:28:40,900 [buffs] 530 00:28:42,741 --> 00:28:45,301 20 then, but that's for the whole night. 531 00:28:45,381 --> 00:28:47,180 I'm not changing any more nappies. 532 00:28:47,261 --> 00:28:48,980 Just keep them talking, all right? 533 00:28:50,301 --> 00:28:52,101 I'll give you some privacy. 534 00:28:52,180 --> 00:28:55,821 I've just got a quick point to make to me husband. 535 00:28:58,660 --> 00:28:59,900 Have fun! 536 00:29:01,700 --> 00:29:03,301 [clapping and chattering] 537 00:29:04,460 --> 00:29:07,541 [Damien] Now, Carl is your husband. 538 00:29:07,621 --> 00:29:10,141 -Lillian is your lesbian lover. -[crowd laughing] 539 00:29:10,220 --> 00:29:12,621 And Norma is Brad Pitt. 540 00:29:12,700 --> 00:29:14,101 [all cheer and laugh] 541 00:29:14,180 --> 00:29:16,980 -[Damien] In the nude! -[all] Yeah! 542 00:29:17,061 --> 00:29:19,301 [Damien] Yeah, and... wake! 543 00:29:19,940 --> 00:29:23,220 Lillian, what you doing here? Carl will find out. 544 00:29:24,460 --> 00:29:27,700 Oh, my God, Brad Pitt! 545 00:29:27,781 --> 00:29:29,420 You're everything I imagined... 546 00:29:30,621 --> 00:29:31,821 and more! 547 00:29:33,341 --> 00:29:35,741 [Norma] It is not amusing to put me in this position. 548 00:29:35,821 --> 00:29:38,861 A penis is an aggressive appendage! 549 00:29:38,940 --> 00:29:40,581 [all cheer and laugh] 550 00:29:42,101 --> 00:29:44,700 [Frank] Marital strife, and an imaginary knob. 551 00:29:44,781 --> 00:29:46,980 Passes for entertainment, does it? 552 00:29:47,861 --> 00:29:49,861 -[Jamie] All right, Shane? -[Shane] Yes, mate. 553 00:29:49,940 --> 00:29:51,621 -All right, Kelly? -Yeah, magic. 554 00:29:52,460 --> 00:29:54,381 [snorts] 555 00:29:55,660 --> 00:29:57,900 Can I have a lager, and a vodka-tonic, please? 556 00:29:57,980 --> 00:30:00,581 You... You've got something on your... 557 00:30:01,741 --> 00:30:03,700 Oh, yeah, me falser. 558 00:30:04,621 --> 00:30:06,700 It seems to run when it's me time of the month. 559 00:30:06,781 --> 00:30:08,581 And, Jesus, am I on! 560 00:30:08,660 --> 00:30:11,341 -It's like someone turned a tap on-- -All right, Kelly! 561 00:30:11,420 --> 00:30:13,141 Pint and a vodka tonic, was it? 562 00:30:13,220 --> 00:30:14,220 What you doing? 563 00:30:14,301 --> 00:30:17,980 Don't worry, I've got a sitter, so remove the gun from me head. 564 00:30:18,061 --> 00:30:19,141 Who? 565 00:30:19,220 --> 00:30:22,420 You fucking peck away at me like a hen, you know that, Debbie? 566 00:30:22,501 --> 00:30:25,541 Seven of you I've brought up, and not one of you has ever 567 00:30:25,621 --> 00:30:28,501 had the good grace to pay me the tiniest little compliment! 568 00:30:28,581 --> 00:30:30,980 When your responsibilities in life extend beyond 569 00:30:31,061 --> 00:30:32,700 "Which sleeveless top shall I rob?" 570 00:30:32,781 --> 00:30:35,660 Then you can question my parenting skills! All right? 571 00:30:41,621 --> 00:30:42,940 [indistinct conversation] 572 00:30:43,021 --> 00:30:45,741 -[kiss] -Two bottles of lager, Karen. 573 00:30:48,381 --> 00:30:49,341 [groans] Auch! 574 00:30:49,900 --> 00:30:50,821 Sorry. 575 00:30:51,741 --> 00:30:54,621 Just a little bit sensitive. Must be all the excitement. 576 00:30:54,700 --> 00:30:56,141 Just gonna nip the loo. 577 00:31:09,220 --> 00:31:11,781 You might at least wait till the lad comes back. 578 00:31:12,900 --> 00:31:15,341 Only real fundamentalists still adhere to the notion 579 00:31:15,420 --> 00:31:17,940 that God physically created the world in seven days. 580 00:31:18,021 --> 00:31:19,381 It's metaphorical. 581 00:31:20,220 --> 00:31:21,900 Do you know what a metaphor is? 582 00:31:21,980 --> 00:31:24,541 Don't you think it's hypocritical of the Church 583 00:31:24,621 --> 00:31:26,700 to insist on creationism for centuries, 584 00:31:26,781 --> 00:31:29,660 only to jump on the intelligent design bandwagon now? 585 00:31:32,781 --> 00:31:34,420 [clucking like a chicken] 586 00:31:35,621 --> 00:31:38,381 [Damien] And now you're a monkey! 587 00:31:39,141 --> 00:31:40,420 [makes monkey noises] 588 00:31:40,501 --> 00:31:43,700 [Shane] You're hypnotizing her all the time! Hypnotize some locals! 589 00:31:43,781 --> 00:31:46,541 -[woman] You're as greasy as your hair! -[man] Come on! 590 00:31:46,621 --> 00:31:51,621 Some people are more susceptible to hypnotism than other people, so... 591 00:31:52,700 --> 00:31:55,220 You're fucking at it, you are. 592 00:31:57,621 --> 00:32:00,301 What about this gallant young lad? 593 00:32:00,861 --> 00:32:02,381 Yeah, that's more like it! 594 00:32:02,460 --> 00:32:04,220 [all cheering] 595 00:32:04,301 --> 00:32:06,501 And this lovely lady. 596 00:32:07,980 --> 00:32:09,341 -Me? -[Damien] Yes. 597 00:32:09,420 --> 00:32:11,781 Come on, folks, come on. Give them a hand. 598 00:32:11,861 --> 00:32:13,141 [cheering and clapping] 599 00:32:15,301 --> 00:32:17,101 -Move it. -What? 600 00:32:17,180 --> 00:32:18,061 Come on. 601 00:32:20,381 --> 00:32:22,581 You, little lady, are exquisite. 602 00:32:23,420 --> 00:32:27,141 Anybody can say the right words. It's not rocket science, is it? 603 00:32:27,821 --> 00:32:29,261 Feel heavy, feel heavy. 604 00:32:31,341 --> 00:32:32,980 -[sighs] -[Damien] Ssh! 605 00:32:33,061 --> 00:32:34,980 Right, mate, listen, I'll give you 50 quid 606 00:32:35,061 --> 00:32:37,301 if you do what I say, and make out you're hypnotized. 607 00:32:37,381 --> 00:32:39,420 -What? -It's a fucking scam, all right? 608 00:32:39,501 --> 00:32:42,700 I could no more hypnotize you than pull a bunch of flowers out me arse. 609 00:32:42,781 --> 00:32:45,940 -Fifty quid, are you in or out? -Yeah, sound. 610 00:32:46,021 --> 00:32:50,581 [inhales deeply] And... sleep! 611 00:32:53,660 --> 00:32:55,301 [applause] 612 00:32:59,061 --> 00:33:01,460 -How long are you going to keep this up? -I'm busy. 613 00:33:03,980 --> 00:33:05,940 I'm sorry if the text was over the top, 614 00:33:06,781 --> 00:33:09,501 but it was just a joke, try and snap you out of it. 615 00:33:10,660 --> 00:33:13,141 Look, we could go for dinner or something, your choice. 616 00:33:13,220 --> 00:33:15,381 Don't know what you're talking about. What text? 617 00:33:15,460 --> 00:33:16,581 The filthy one. 618 00:33:17,101 --> 00:33:20,220 You've been blanking me so much, I thought it would break the ice. 619 00:33:20,301 --> 00:33:22,781 I haven't been blanking ya. I've been rushed off me feet. 620 00:33:22,861 --> 00:33:24,341 And I didn't get any text. 621 00:33:26,341 --> 00:33:27,420 Recognise it? 622 00:33:29,261 --> 00:33:30,261 No. 623 00:33:30,900 --> 00:33:33,420 -So, you're not angry with me? -Jesus, Jamie! 624 00:33:33,501 --> 00:33:36,261 You went on the tiles with a mate, you're not Osama bin Laden. 625 00:33:36,341 --> 00:33:38,021 So, who have I sent this to, then? 626 00:33:41,341 --> 00:33:42,740 [Jamie] Oh, shit! 627 00:33:45,700 --> 00:33:46,940 [Karen giggles] 628 00:33:50,940 --> 00:33:53,700 [soft orchestral music] 629 00:34:20,700 --> 00:34:22,501 But I want your baby! 630 00:34:22,581 --> 00:34:26,501 I want to feel your seed grow inside me! 631 00:34:26,581 --> 00:34:28,981 Whoa, easy tiger! 632 00:34:29,061 --> 00:34:29,901 [people laughing] 633 00:34:33,660 --> 00:34:35,180 [man] Fucking god-awful! 634 00:34:35,260 --> 00:34:38,421 [preacher] If evolution is right, and I'm not conceding that, 635 00:34:38,501 --> 00:34:42,581 then surely there's a guiding hand behind it, an intelligence. 636 00:34:42,660 --> 00:34:46,860 -It can't be just chance. -I don't accept that. 637 00:34:46,941 --> 00:34:49,660 When the black symbiote attaches itself to Spider-Man's suit, 638 00:34:49,740 --> 00:34:52,141 it's because a meteor's crashing to Earth. 639 00:34:52,220 --> 00:34:56,340 And meteors hitting the Earth is pure maths, not religion. 640 00:34:56,421 --> 00:34:57,581 Spider-Man isn't real! 641 00:34:57,661 --> 00:35:01,181 There's as much proof for him as there is for God. 642 00:35:03,021 --> 00:35:05,421 [Damien] And finally, ladies and gentlemen, 643 00:35:05,501 --> 00:35:10,701 this young man will awake and believe he has never been hypnotized at all. 644 00:35:10,780 --> 00:35:13,141 You have seen the evidence yourselves, 645 00:35:13,221 --> 00:35:16,701 but he will believe that I offer him 50 pounds 646 00:35:16,780 --> 00:35:18,860 to pretend he was hypnotized, 647 00:35:20,340 --> 00:35:24,061 and behave in the manner you have all witnessed. 648 00:35:25,300 --> 00:35:27,300 [inhales deeply] 649 00:35:27,381 --> 00:35:29,181 And... 650 00:35:29,261 --> 00:35:30,141 [slaps] 651 00:35:30,221 --> 00:35:31,461 wake! 652 00:35:34,981 --> 00:35:38,421 Tell the good people, truthfully... 653 00:35:38,501 --> 00:35:41,661 Have you been hypnotized this evening? 654 00:35:41,741 --> 00:35:43,300 What, really? 655 00:35:43,381 --> 00:35:48,300 Yes, the truth, and nothing but the truth. 656 00:35:48,381 --> 00:35:50,541 Well, no. You offered me 50 quid to pretend. 657 00:35:50,621 --> 00:35:52,421 [people cheering] 658 00:35:52,501 --> 00:35:53,901 He did! 659 00:35:56,381 --> 00:35:58,621 He's a fuckin' phoney! 660 00:36:04,381 --> 00:36:07,061 Is that a wedding ring on your finger? 661 00:36:08,780 --> 00:36:13,181 He's not the possessive type, if that's what you're wondering. 662 00:36:17,780 --> 00:36:20,461 [Mimi] It's a good job. Were it painful? 663 00:36:20,541 --> 00:36:25,101 No. They froze it at first. I'm only just getting the feeling back. 664 00:36:25,181 --> 00:36:28,941 So, do you see any problems for future... you know? 665 00:36:29,021 --> 00:36:31,300 What's sauce for the goose, Stanley. 666 00:36:32,701 --> 00:36:37,661 Funny, though he seems a little lonely. Like he's lost his friend. 667 00:36:37,741 --> 00:36:39,261 He doesn't have to be. 668 00:36:39,340 --> 00:36:41,661 They gave me it in a jar, for safekeeping. 669 00:36:41,741 --> 00:36:43,061 -[gags] -As a keepsake. 670 00:36:43,141 --> 00:36:46,421 -Ugh! -Yvonne? I thought it'd be funny! 671 00:36:50,300 --> 00:36:51,701 [Jamie] Can I have a word? 672 00:36:51,780 --> 00:36:54,741 -Are you sure? Karen's just over there. -Yeah, I know. 673 00:36:56,981 --> 00:37:01,221 You're a nice lad, Jamie, but let's be honest. 674 00:37:01,300 --> 00:37:03,981 You did hit a few branches of the ugly tree on the way down. 675 00:37:04,061 --> 00:37:07,901 Look, I appreciate your candour, but the text message wasn't meant for you. 676 00:37:09,541 --> 00:37:13,661 Karen, Kelly Next to each other in me address book. 677 00:37:13,741 --> 00:37:15,181 I thought Karen was angry with me, 678 00:37:15,261 --> 00:37:17,581 I was trying to give her a bit of a giggle, that's all. 679 00:37:17,661 --> 00:37:19,501 Right. 680 00:37:19,581 --> 00:37:22,901 And I'm guessing you look like this because you're trying to put me off? 681 00:37:22,981 --> 00:37:25,780 Very admirable, being so loyal to our kid. 682 00:37:25,860 --> 00:37:28,101 Right. 683 00:37:28,181 --> 00:37:30,581 So I can take this boot polish off me tooth? 684 00:37:30,661 --> 00:37:33,860 Dunno. Kind of suits you. 685 00:37:33,941 --> 00:37:35,340 [chuckling] 686 00:37:36,501 --> 00:37:38,621 -[moaning and screaming] -Fuckin' hell! 687 00:37:38,701 --> 00:37:41,101 Yeah! Ooh! 688 00:37:41,181 --> 00:37:42,701 -[Monica] Yeah! -[Damien] Oh! 689 00:37:42,780 --> 00:37:45,501 [moaning intensely] Yeah! Oh! 690 00:37:45,581 --> 00:37:49,581 [Damien groans] Get it! Oh! 691 00:37:49,661 --> 00:37:52,261 -Oh! -Oh, you! 692 00:37:52,340 --> 00:37:54,661 [Damien] From the first minute I laid eyes on you. 693 00:37:54,741 --> 00:37:56,860 You're so... 694 00:37:56,941 --> 00:37:57,901 [passionately] So... 695 00:37:57,981 --> 00:37:58,941 Yeah? 696 00:37:59,021 --> 00:38:02,461 Oh, so motherly! 697 00:38:02,541 --> 00:38:03,981 What? 698 00:38:06,380 --> 00:38:09,181 So... maternal. 699 00:38:09,261 --> 00:38:11,860 The way your breasts have fallen that little bit. 700 00:38:11,941 --> 00:38:13,701 The broadness of your hips. [panting] 701 00:38:13,780 --> 00:38:15,501 The stretch marks on your belly. 702 00:38:15,581 --> 00:38:20,581 [panting] Ooh, it's such a turn-on to think that you grew a babby! 703 00:38:24,541 --> 00:38:25,901 Are you feeding? 704 00:38:27,461 --> 00:38:29,941 Ooh! Cos I think I could go again if you could lactate! 705 00:38:30,021 --> 00:38:31,021 [Monica] Ah! 706 00:38:31,101 --> 00:38:33,340 [assistant knocking at door] Damien? 707 00:38:33,421 --> 00:38:34,340 -Fuck! -[assistant] Damien? 708 00:38:34,421 --> 00:38:36,300 Oh, fuck! Shh! 709 00:38:37,461 --> 00:38:39,300 [Damien] What you doing? 710 00:38:39,380 --> 00:38:40,581 In here! 711 00:38:45,741 --> 00:38:50,741 You fucking bastard! You promised, no more MILFs. 712 00:38:50,820 --> 00:38:57,101 To think I spend my nights clucking like a fucking chicken for you! 713 00:38:57,181 --> 00:38:58,141 I'm sorry. 714 00:38:58,221 --> 00:38:59,581 What? 715 00:38:59,661 --> 00:39:02,741 She could never be with an 'airy guy? 716 00:39:02,820 --> 00:39:05,701 -That's what she said. -No, I didn't, that's what she said. 717 00:39:05,780 --> 00:39:08,101 I was just repeating what he told Kelly. 718 00:39:08,181 --> 00:39:09,421 Told Kelly what? 719 00:39:09,501 --> 00:39:12,501 [stammering] That hairy women were a turn-off. 720 00:39:12,581 --> 00:39:14,501 [Kelly] "Pig in a skirt," he said. 721 00:39:14,581 --> 00:39:17,941 He were talking about Janine. New girl at Lillian's. 722 00:39:18,021 --> 00:39:20,661 Head of hair on her like she's caught her piercing in a socket. 723 00:39:20,741 --> 00:39:24,901 [laughing] Looks like the love-child of Amy Winehouse and Russell Brand. 724 00:39:25,981 --> 00:39:28,741 All that fucking hair? It's the biggest turn-off going. 725 00:39:28,820 --> 00:39:30,621 About as sexy as a pig in a skirt. 726 00:39:30,701 --> 00:39:32,061 Oh. 727 00:39:32,141 --> 00:39:34,340 Maybe you should concentrate on your own relationship. 728 00:39:34,421 --> 00:39:36,340 Not exactly bench-mark communication, is it? 729 00:39:36,421 --> 00:39:37,860 Text messages. 730 00:39:41,701 --> 00:39:44,501 I don't care if he makes a point. You're not supposed to ask questions. 731 00:39:44,581 --> 00:39:46,181 -Night. -Thanks for that. 732 00:39:48,820 --> 00:39:50,101 It wouldn't be appropriate. 733 00:39:51,300 --> 00:39:54,300 They might not know it, but I'm wrong, and they're right. 734 00:39:57,061 --> 00:39:57,901 Good lad. 735 00:40:01,541 --> 00:40:03,300 You spilled something on your dress. 736 00:40:27,300 --> 00:40:28,300 Good night? 737 00:40:31,380 --> 00:40:32,421 Not particularly. 738 00:40:36,941 --> 00:40:39,141 I do try, Monica. 739 00:40:41,820 --> 00:40:44,300 -Best as I'm able. -I know. 740 00:40:46,261 --> 00:40:49,300 I mean, sometimes you know, I lash out, 741 00:40:50,701 --> 00:40:53,541 get me defense in before the attack comes. 742 00:40:55,221 --> 00:40:56,581 I might 743 00:40:59,501 --> 00:41:02,340 misjudge it... on occasion. 744 00:41:07,021 --> 00:41:08,101 I'm sorry. 745 00:41:12,741 --> 00:41:13,621 I know. 746 00:41:26,541 --> 00:41:27,621 Whatever it is, 747 00:41:29,300 --> 00:41:30,741 don't let it swamp you, Mon. 748 00:41:32,701 --> 00:41:33,741 I won't. 749 00:41:36,581 --> 00:41:37,421 Frank, 750 00:41:38,941 --> 00:41:40,221 can you just 751 00:41:41,421 --> 00:41:42,501 hold me. 752 00:41:46,780 --> 00:41:48,061 Please? 753 00:42:04,541 --> 00:42:05,901 [both sighing] 754 00:42:09,621 --> 00:42:12,340 [chuckles] Stop poking me in the back! 755 00:42:13,181 --> 00:42:14,340 I'm not poking you. 756 00:42:16,780 --> 00:42:18,701 I've got the horn, that's all. 757 00:42:28,941 --> 00:42:31,941 I am gonna ride you 758 00:42:33,380 --> 00:42:36,541 till you cry, Frank Gallagher. 759 00:42:37,181 --> 00:42:38,300 Fair enough. 760 00:42:40,380 --> 00:42:42,061 [both moan] 761 00:42:46,221 --> 00:42:48,581 -[Joe groaning] -[Mandy] Wait, get a condom! 762 00:42:48,661 --> 00:42:50,300 No, I'm not coming. My nipple stings. 763 00:42:50,380 --> 00:42:51,981 Ahh! Mmm! 764 00:42:57,901 --> 00:43:00,340 [Mandy and Joe moaning] 765 00:43:02,941 --> 00:43:05,941 Do you think they're humping, or dressing each other's wounds? 766 00:43:06,021 --> 00:43:07,261 Dunno. 767 00:43:09,181 --> 00:43:10,661 I know. 768 00:43:11,421 --> 00:43:12,941 No, I need to get off. 769 00:43:13,021 --> 00:43:15,860 Feels like you're scrubbing my muff with steel wool. 770 00:43:17,741 --> 00:43:18,941 [both laugh] 771 00:43:19,541 --> 00:43:21,101 I've learnt my lesson, though. 772 00:43:21,701 --> 00:43:24,780 What? Don't interfere in other people's love lives? 773 00:43:24,860 --> 00:43:26,181 Fuck, no! 774 00:43:26,820 --> 00:43:29,300 That's one of the few true pleasures left to a woman. 775 00:43:31,261 --> 00:43:32,780 So what's the lesson? 776 00:43:34,141 --> 00:43:36,501 Buy ear-plugs when Mandy's got a bloke over. 777 00:43:36,581 --> 00:43:37,981 [Mandy] Ohh! 778 00:43:39,421 --> 00:43:40,780 [both giggling and groaning] 779 00:43:49,101 --> 00:43:50,780 Do you wanna shag? 780 00:43:50,860 --> 00:43:52,820 -Drown out the noise? -Yeah. 781 00:43:54,021 --> 00:43:57,141 -[groans] -Oh, no, no! You're too hairy! 782 00:43:57,221 --> 00:43:58,941 -No! Get off me! -[Jamie laughs] 783 00:44:04,581 --> 00:44:07,780 So, what is it you've got to tell me in such a rush? 784 00:44:07,860 --> 00:44:09,741 What the fuck are you doing? 785 00:44:09,820 --> 00:44:11,261 Sorry. 786 00:44:11,340 --> 00:44:13,581 I thought... I mean... 787 00:44:13,661 --> 00:44:16,061 Stuff it! You should enjoy the view while you can. 788 00:44:16,141 --> 00:44:19,701 -How you mean? -I'm expecting. 789 00:44:19,780 --> 00:44:24,860 Don't worry, it's not yours. You're good, but you're not that good. 790 00:44:24,941 --> 00:44:26,981 I'm 12 weeks gone. 791 00:44:27,061 --> 00:44:29,340 More's the pity. I liked you. 792 00:44:29,421 --> 00:44:32,661 -So, what have you got to tell me? -It's not important. 793 00:44:35,820 --> 00:44:39,421 He's a lucky bloke, you know, this baby's dad. 794 00:44:39,501 --> 00:44:41,380 Yeah. He is. 795 00:44:48,421 --> 00:44:50,741 [crows crowing] 796 00:44:54,181 --> 00:44:56,541 [footsteps approaching] 797 00:45:08,981 --> 00:45:10,181 How are you? 798 00:45:17,261 --> 00:45:20,300 [Monica] There was a young woman from Chatsworth 799 00:45:20,380 --> 00:45:24,541 Who had dreams, ambitions and other stuff 800 00:45:24,621 --> 00:45:28,860 But she lost her good cheer and ended up here 801 00:45:28,941 --> 00:45:31,701 So she could probably just do what she wants now 802 00:45:31,780 --> 00:45:35,860 And look after herself, cos every other bastard does 803 00:45:35,941 --> 00:45:39,541 I know it don't rhyme, but poems don't have to, do they? 804 00:45:39,621 --> 00:45:41,380 Not these days. 805 00:45:41,461 --> 00:45:42,741 [The "James Bond Theme" plays] 806 00:46:03,380 --> 00:46:04,221 [Frank] Oh! 807 00:46:04,300 --> 00:46:05,741 [The "James Bond Theme" ends] 808 00:46:46,461 --> 00:46:47,621 Enough? 809 00:46:47,701 --> 00:46:50,141 More. I'm doubling up from now on.